my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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