I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
