yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
