i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
