I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
Just general bites
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"