Texts From Last Night

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  (916): View more from California

  How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.

  (1-916): View more from California

  Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.

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  (916): How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids. (1-916): Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions. http://tfl.nu/28ax
  Replies (27) Good night (3971) Bad night (1133)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!

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  (503): You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit! http://tfl.nu/d8vz
  Replies (9) Good night (659) Bad night (3257)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.

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  (770): He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle. http://tfl.nu/uuu6
  Replies (15) Good night (6493) Bad night (741)
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  (707): View more from California

  Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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  (707): Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room. http://tfl.nu/g35c
  Replies (14) Good night (4472) Bad night (1182)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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  (773): Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight. http://tfl.nu/f50l
  Replies (5) Good night (4279) Bad night (768)
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  (661): View more from California

  I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile

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  (661): I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile http://tfl.nu/m5ed
  Replies (8) Good night (1152) Bad night (1535)
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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  (772): Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish http://tfl.nu/fyel
  Replies (9) Good night (2265) Bad night (621)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore

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  (401): um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore http://tfl.nu/seg6
  Replies (11) Good night (796) Bad night (2348)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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  (919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr
  Replies (6) Good night (3786) Bad night (702)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.

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  (719): I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/zd6h
  Replies (5) Good night (659) Bad night (1239)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"

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  (432): dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds" http://tfl.nu/wwid
  Replies (14) Good night (800) Bad night (1854)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It turns out my teeth are bleeding.

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  (+44): Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become. (+44): It turns out my teeth are bleeding. http://tfl.nu/m4n5
  Replies (4) Good night (562) Bad night (1911)
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  (286): View more from

  I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.

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  (286): I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face. http://tfl.nu/gle0
  Replies (9) Good night (629) Bad night (243)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.

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  (701): If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs. http://tfl.nu/qa5n
  Replies (5) Good night (477) Bad night (1230)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices

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  (615): I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices http://tfl.nu/572b
  Replies (6) Good night (350) Bad night (581)

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