Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....

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(703): There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it.... http://tfl.nu/mny7

Replies (14) Good night (802) Bad night (2178)
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(631): View more from New York

I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore

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(631): I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore http://tfl.nu/upfn

Replies (9) Good night (1084) Bad night (2088)
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(845): View more from New York

If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

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(845): If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt. http://tfl.nu/ayuf

Replies (147) Good night (1914) Bad night (5628)
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(818): View more from California

Its about making memories worth repressing

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(818): Its about making memories worth repressing http://tfl.nu/5fiw

Replies (1) Good night (2818) Bad night (668)
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(604): View more from British Columbia

she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.

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(604): she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me. http://tfl.nu/s0lh

Replies (73) Good night (1346) Bad night (17688)
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.

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(603): So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find. http://tfl.nu/dz78

Replies (22) Good night (3539) Bad night (1560)
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(336): View more from North Carolina

I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.

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(336): I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort. http://tfl.nu/myrl

Replies (11) Good night (697) Bad night (2686)
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(828): View more from North Carolina

God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.

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(828): God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you. http://tfl.nu/4g7v

Replies (25) Good night (3579) Bad night (999)
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(478): View more from Georgia

She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

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(478): She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks http://tfl.nu/vee8

Replies (22) Good night (4696) Bad night (1642)
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(972): View more from Texas

oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut

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(972): oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut http://tfl.nu/kqx7

Replies (4) Good night (749) Bad night (3366)
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(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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(404): We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning. http://tfl.nu/65kx

Replies (4) Good night (3279) Bad night (868)
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(214): View more from Texas

It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

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(214): It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils. http://tfl.nu/mamt

Replies (5) Good night (1654) Bad night (801)
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(516): View more from New York

today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.

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(516): today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror. http://tfl.nu/6dpn

Replies (1) Good night (766) Bad night (455)
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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.

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(708): I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask. http://tfl.nu/zz6r

Replies (7) Good night (1212) Bad night (571)
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(416): View more from Toronto

He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.

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(416): He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came. http://tfl.nu/cj68

Replies (2) Good night (365) Bad night (651)

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