while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
