areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
