you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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