its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
