Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
