When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
