your parents love me but you hate me
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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