I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
