So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
