At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
