My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He did a backflip because drugs
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
