o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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