so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
