Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
