Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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