he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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