haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
