sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
