and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
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I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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