when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
