I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
