In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How's work?
Spinning.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
