You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
