Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's rum buckets o'clock
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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