If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
