my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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