I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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