highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
