Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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