Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just high enough for therapy.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
