I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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