There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
