The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
my liver is dry heaving
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
