walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
