mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
