Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
