how can u be prego again
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
