what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
