Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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