i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
