I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
