he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
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Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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