maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
