Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
