This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
