my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
