M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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