I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
