Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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