dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
