I hate your face
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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