My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
