Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This is the high leading the old right now
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
